Screaming and drawing attention to myself isn’t really my thing, but on this topic, I have to yell!
I’ve had depression for the majority of my life and because of depression, my life has been a constant struggle.
I have other posts where I go into more detail about my struggles so I’ll link them at the bottom instead of re-writing what I have already written.
Basically, I want to say I am here, I am a person, and I am not a disease. I am not lazy, I just lost my soul for a few years, and when you lose your soul it is kind of hard to do anything.
But, I have to point out that if I was not severely depressed at 8, 15, 22, and then at 25, I would have not grown as much as I have.
See, depression, for me at least, has caused me to become a little obsessive over the philosophical things (when you have lost your will to live and fear has overtaken your life, searching for meaning – deep bottom of your soul meaning becomes a focus). I had to keep myself from ending my life.
I had too much to lose and I wasn’t going to let my illness take everything away from me. It already took my beauty, my youth, my sanity, and it took school away from me, which, if I wasn’t so busy fighting with my bedsheets, I could have explored so much more while under the tutelage of great minds. Instead, I sat in my dorm room folding hundreds of lotus flowers looking for nirvana. She never came.
I spent thousands of dollars trying to find people to fix me. They gave me advice, it worked for a little while, however, chaos, inevitably ensued. They gave me medication and it made me throw up, have horrible nightmares, and hear voices that weren’t there (which lead to me losing my last job).
I really want to make my pain into something worth living for.
I can’t let those horrible nights in hell mean nothing.
I can’t sit here letting my voice go unheard.
I am not alone. I refuse to feel alone any longer.
I have a future and I refuse to let those thoughts tell me otherwise.
Anything can be rationalized, so, why not life? Why can’t I rationalize, give myself reasons to live, instead of reasons to die. Instead of ‘Thirteen Reasons Why I killed myself, or want to kill myself,’ I have ‘Thirteen Reasons Why I Want to Live’:
(1) People love me, there are people in this world that would lose a light in their lives if I were to go.
(2) My family needs me, I would be betraying the love and bond I built with my pets, they would be lost, confused, and possibly depressed themselves if I were to go. And Daniel’s life would be crushed, I don’t know if he could ever recover from me taking my life. He loves me too much.
(3) I have a future, it really doesn’t feel like that at the moment for me, I am going through a really hard time and I even thought about taking my life on my 27th birthday, which is this Friday, May 5, because I was so ashamed of how my life turned out thus far.
(4) I really can make something out of absolute failure, I have failed in life, big time. However, many people have failed in epic proportions and today they are doing well, there is still hope.
(5) I can be a part of the solution, instead of the problem. I can love those around me no matter what, I can reach out to family and friends I haven’t spoken to in a while, I can choose to post uplifting content. I can smile.
(6) I can create my own meaning. The world is so crazy and unpredictable that no one has the answers to how to have a meaningful life, or what one even looks like. I chose to have a meaningful life despite being mentally ill, drowning in failures, and the complete opposite of who I thought I would be at this age.
(7) I am not my illness. I don’t have to let depression define my life for me. I don’t have to think of myself as a depressed person. I am so much more.
(8) I refuse to be a statistic. Suicide is the 10th leading killer in the United States. I do not want to contribute to that number.
(9) There is help out there even if I haven’t found it yet. I have been too great counselors, but either the commute was too long or the price was too high. But, that doesn’t mean that I am a lost cause.
(10) Come on, Victor Frankl made it through the holocaust, I can make it through depression. Dr. Frankl is one of my heroes, his experiences that he shares in his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” moved me in ways I can’t explain. It changed my thoughts on how I viewed the human spirit.
(11) I will not let stigma run my life anymore. I stopped living. I was too ashamed to have friends or meet new people. I didn’t think anyone would be okay with my darkness. I stopped showing up in life because I was afraid of others thoughts of me. I went to a club once and out of shame and anxiety I left early and never went back. I even stopped going to bookstores which are where my heart lives. But, I don’t have to let my life shrivel up because I am afraid of nasty looks or people judging me for my gloomy demeanor at times.
(12) I can be an advocate, and that is something I can’t do if I am dead. I always wanted to live for something. I wanted to be a doctor at 5, a wildlife rescuer at 10, and a therapist at 22. However, I lost my desire to be a helper. I don’t have to let it go completely because I fell down a few times. I can be a helper in many ways than just one.
(13) I have something to offer even if I don’t feel like I do. I always got tripped up thinking that people succeed by being intelligent and already a success instead of working really hard and diving into their passions like a deep ocean waiting to be explored. It is the latter that is more accurate. Therefore, If I dive in and explore the ocean that is my imagination and desire to tell stories, I might find myself somewhere wonderful.
Mental Health Resources:
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/may
https://www.nami.org/mentalhealthmonth
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
International Mental Health Resource:
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
Sources:
https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/
http://www.success.com/article/6-qualities-of-wildly-successful-people
My other Blog Posts about depression:
- https://justastar1in100.wordpress.com/2017/04/19/oh-so-many-feelings-the-rants-of-a-former-depressed-teen-and-a-current-depressed-adult-13-reasons-why/
- https://justastar1in100.wordpress.com/2017/04/11/day-eleven-if-i-could-turn-back-time-learning-the-fundamentals/
- https://justastar1in100.wordpress.com/2017/04/10/letter-to-other-failures-like-myself/
- https://justastar1in100.wordpress.com/2017/04/07/life-absurd-stream-of-consciousness-ranting-on-regretting-the-idiocy-of-my-younger-self/
- https://justastar1in100.wordpress.com/2017/04/01/who-is-the-1-in-100-billion-get-to-know-just-a-star/
- https://justastar1in100.wordpress.com/2017/04/28/the-death-of-a-blue-bird/
- https://justastar1in100.wordpress.com/2017/04/28/rainy-morning-angry-heart/
Just A Star: 1 in 100, Billion 
I’m very happy to see that you are winning your battle; I, for one, would miss you immeasurably if you ever surrendered to those darkest of thoughts. I thoroughly enjoy your writing and, even in the very short time we’ve known each other, have come to rely heavily on your support and encouragement.
I would never deign to claim to fully understand what you have gone through, or try to offer quick and easy platitudes that merely betray my ignorance and lack of empathy, but whenever I go a round or two in a bout with inner turmoil (which I admit is nowhere near what you’ve gone through) the way I get through it is to find comfort and strength by consciously trying to silence those tormenting inner voices and just bask in the presence of God, letting His love and peace wash over me. For me, being in my garden or imagining myself out in nature has always helped me with this.
It is these experiences that inspired me to write “Soul Spring Magic”. Check it out on my blog and let me know what you think. I hope it brings you as much peace and strength and encouragement in the reading as it did to me in the writing.
Keep up the good fight!
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Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words. Yes, nature really can heal ^_^, I grew up on a cattle ranch in the Mid-west. Well, my darkness isn’t any different from your darkness – they both come from the same place, so who’s to say that I have been in darker places than you. Just because I have a diagnosable mental illness does not mean that I understand suffering more than you. To live is to suffer. I’m glad that you have found something that brings constant meaning to your life, so when the deep waves of despair comes flowing your way you have a buoy to keep you afloat, And I hope even more that those waves never come across your shores! I think the most important thing is to (for the mentally ill) remember that there is more to life than what happens day to day and (for the rest) to remember that everyone has gone through pain and is oppressed in some way so it does a world of good to be kind and work towards commonality and respect.
I will definitely read that post! Thank you!
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