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There are many ways to say it

“Modern man must descend the spiral of his own absurdity to the lowest point; only then can he look beyond it. It is obviously impossible to get around it, jump over it, or simply avoid it.”  ~Vaclav Havel

I just realized what I want to do with my life and I honestly think that I may be too late. I spent years, upon years, striving to get a degree for a “normal job.” I thought that I didn’t have enough intelligence or status to pursue a career in creative writing, design, and/or illustration. But, sadly, once I got into my “safe” field, I sucked something terrible at it, ultimately losing my job. I have been suck unable to find work ever since.I learned too late that there are no “safe” careers.

My talents are in the arts. I’ve always been able to draw. I remember, one day in my dorm room I sat with my roommate who drew religiously for hours everyday for the past 8 years (the amount of time that passed since I  had drawn anything) and I ended up sketching just as good as her.

I had two teachers from my creative writing classes in college, classes I took to keep me sane, and they both urged me to write. I wanted to  be smart. I wanted to heed all the warnings from the smart adults around me and get a degree in social work where I would always have a job.

Welp, that didn’t work. I applied for a position that was desperately needing to be filled and was turned down, twice. I applied  for two jobs most people wouldn’t want to do. This was supposed to be the career choice that guaranteed me a job.

So, here I find myself, blogging daily, sketching nightly and hoping my boyfriend’s grocery job will support us both. – I even tried to get a job at a grocery store and was turned down.

The years of advanced sociology and psychology courses, the years of honors classes, didn’t do anything for me.

I look back with somber wet eyes, realizing, too late, that I could have loved my college career; I could have loved what I was studied. And, now, I  possibly would be working.

My sister, told me a couple of years ago that social work was not befitting to me, that I should be doing graphic design or creative writing. I took her words as an insult instead of a heeded warning from a friend who new me well, at least much better than the shmucks at my college (aside from the writing professors).

What do I do? I have tons of debt from school, with no job to show for it. I don’t know if I could even go back to school for creative writing and illustration now.

I don’t know where I should begin. Why was I such a stupid kid? If I wasn’t such a rule following teacher’s pet I would have had a backbone to maverick my own path, defining my goals the way I pleased.

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One thought on “Life Absurd (Stream of Consciousness Ranting on Regretting the Idiocy of my Younger Self)

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