I did not know that the dream of having my own life free from the busy world was possible, until now. But, now I am afraid it is too late for me.
I spent the majority of my adult life seeking independence from my family and searching for the best ‘career.’
I went to school, hated it, but refused to give it up until I was forced to do so. Now, I see many people getting careers as writers, freelancers, and the like, and I feel like I missed out.
I was so worried about what people felt about me instead of encouraging myself despite the setbacks.
I bounced around doing what others wanted of me that I found myself at a horrible job that I cared nothing about and it paid to shit on top of that. I was miserable. Everyone at my work called me a fraud because I didn’t care about the clients. I did care, I just couldn’t understand their ways of thinking. Why would a person want to live on the streets and smoke crack instead of trying to find a home and a place of employment? Why would someone steal a 10 cent pen when they knew it would cost them another week in a hellish existence at a crappy rehab? It made no sense to me and I became very sad. It didn’t help that the staff treated them like little kids fueling the hatred between the two groups. I couldn’t handle the lack of problem-solving and relational dysfunction happening every day.
Also, I changed. I went from being a person loving, optimist to a depressed, angry pessimist. I was conforming to the Mob of Dysfunction. I found myself taking part in shitty low pranks, career destroying gossip, and I almost cheated on my boyfriend of 2 years with a coworker.
I lost myself. I wasn’t deceitful. I wasn’t two faced. I wasn’t cruel. I wasn’t… I was. I became all of those things.
I have to admit that I failed the Standford Prison experiment. I sacrificed myself for the approval of others. I became a Nazi prison guard.
Realizing this about myself has kept me stuck. I am so afraid of the next monster I will become at the next workplace.
I don’t want to waste my life conforming. I want a life I can be proud of.
I want to be someone I can be proud of.
This will take a lot of work, but it can be done.